This last few weeks has been very interesting in a sometimes less than fun or flattering way. It all started with a 'disagreement' at work, that led to an upset coworker, that led to some rather heated discourse, and ultimately, me walking away asking myself some questions and taking a deep look at myself. This was followed up by my son having some difficulty in school, and truth be told in life. Difficulties that looked uncomfortably familiar.
Now I have always been prone to introspection, and am perfectly willing to make changes when I need to. So it is that I find myself taking a deep look at my life, my choices and I believe I have identified what may well be the core issue in my life. That one thing that drives other issues, that one thing that every single issue revolves a round.
The more I look at myself, the more I see what others might view as a flawed personality trait. It seems that somewhere inside of myself, there is a trigger that makes me gravitate away from the social norms. Perhaps gravitate is to mild a description. Honest self analysis says that when given societal norms to conform to, I will instinctively go against the grain. This is not a conscious effort, nor did I even really see how pervasive in my life this has become until this latest bout of self doubt and introspection.
Look at my choice to ride a scooter as an example. The area of the country I live in, the societal norm would be an SUV (a big one). I wanted two wheels. The two wheel choices in this area of the world would be a big Harley or a 1000cc sport bike. I wanted a scooter. When you look at the few scooter owners in the area, the norm is vintage or small displacement. I chose the modern 500cc.
This isn't the only place in my life where I see this pattern repeating.
I write software for a living. I write software for Windows computers for a living. I use all Mac OS hardware and software to do so. The Apple iPhone is the emerging norm, I carry a Palm Pre and am looking at moving to a Windows Phone (Nokia Lumia if you must know :-)). These repeating patterns crop up everywhere, and when I look at the past I see an alarming trend.
When I should conform, I invariably don't. I failed at school, because I failed to conform. In social situations, I have often found myself to be something of an outsider, because I do not have an interest in conforming to the 'normal' within a group.
So, knowing this, can I do better? yes. The question is, is this really a flaw or just a quirk that I can work with. I think the answer is that it is both. Helping my sone overcome this same issue means learning to cope with it myself. It will take time, and conscious effort, but it should be worth it on both fronts. Dealing with that insatiable need to be different is going to be a tough one to cope with, especially after 40 years of unconsciously choosing different every single time.